Death, Feegles, & the Librarian
by V.R.L.S
Summary: This is a random set of Discworld short stories, filled with whatever I darn well please! Title may change, because I got a horde of ideas which had nothing to do with Death, feegles or the Librarian. Rated K for mild language.
1. 5 Minutes Before the Ape

The Librarian scurried around the library. He was drenched in sweat. His short, grubby human hands grabbed books, and put them in their right places. Damn those student wizards who don't put books in the right shelf. He wiped a hand on his forehead. This didn't help much, but it made him feel better. Dark circles were under his eyes. He had spent another sleepless night contemplating ways to revamp the library. Suddenly, a copy of "Lopenwulf's Guide to Levitation" zoomed in the air, fifty feet above the bookshelf it was supposed to be on. It often did that, usually at the least opportune moment.

He sighed. Grabbing a ladder, he ran towards the book. He placed the ladder against the bookshelves and quickly climbed up it. He grabbed the book, and gently placed back in its spot. He climbed down. The book flew up. Running to his desk, the Librarian grabbed a handful of chain. He turned to the ladder and climbed up. Wiping his brow again, he chained the book to its bookshelf. Smiling to himself, he climbed down. Something hit him in the back, something hard. He looked around, and saw a nervous looking student wizard standing in the doorway. His knees were shaking, his face was pale.

The Librarian raised a hand, and paused. He slowly turned to look at the hand. It was still grubby, but orange hair covered most of it. He put the hand on the top of his head. He had a full head of hair now. He worked his way downwards with his hands, noticing the lack of neck. The lack of neck was made up though, by the arm length. As for the legs, he shrugged the new smallness off. He quite liked this new body. He stretched a hand out to the bookcase and swiftly climbed up it. Yes, this new body was very good. He smiled, revealing an excess of lip, and swung down. The student had left and came back with the Archchancellor. The Librarian waved at them. Both had a look of stunned shock on their face.

"Oh damn." the Archchancellor said, putting a hand to his face.

"Ook," the Librarian replied shrugging. He grinned again.

"I'll change him back," the student wizard said, reaching for his wand. The Librarian put a hand on his, and bared his teeth.

"Ook."

"So you don't want to become a human, you want to stay a monkey?"

"Ook! Eeek, eeek!"

"Oh...you're an ape...sorry. And yes, I'll get some bananas."


	2. Death's Daily Grind

Death sighed as he saddled up. Just another boring day...reaping souls...the daily grind. He sighed a deathly sigh. Binky whinnied.

NOT AGAIN...WHO TODAY? He checked the hourglass he had on the ground, placed a few feet away from Binky's foot. The last time an hourglass was placed near the horse's foot, Monseigneur Erik Leroux, dropped down dead in the middle of his supper, which was spaghetti. That was a mess. He had about half his life left.

FRED LILLIX...LIVES IN ANHK-MORPORK. POOR CHAP IS GOING TO HAVE A HEART ATTACK TONIGHT...DEARIE. OH WELL. He hopped onto Binky and whistled. The horse started up, and they took off. A few minutes later, they reached his house. Parking Binky outside, Death strode in. ERM...HELLO.

Fredlooked up from eating, and stared at Death. "Oh damn-" he muttered. "Why are you here?"

TO REAP YOUR SOUL, OF COURSE. WHY ELSE?

"I dunno...to pay a visit? Anyway, I'm dead right?"

NOT YET. YOU'LL BE DEAD SOON, THOUGH.

"So...where are the angels?"

PARDON?

"The multitude of angels, hordes of heavenly hoste, God, the saints, the whole nine yards. Ya know...shouldn't I see them now?"

NOPE. I JUST REAP THE SOULS. WHERE YOU GO IS YOUR OWN DECISION.

"Really?"

REALLY

"Damn. That bites."

WELL, THAT'S LIFE.

"I'm gonna die soon."

SORRY ABOUT THAT PUN.

"So...what now?"

THIS. Death swung his scythe, in effect killing Fred.

"Oh shit."

THAT'S LIFE.

"You say that again, and I'll kill you."

YOU CAN'T

"Shut up."


	3. A Hat Full of Sky: Agnes Style

Agnes Nitt walked around the coven. It was a busy place, filled with witches everywhere. She really didn't want to go...but Granny would have her hide if she went. Of course, Perdita tagged along also. She always did. Agnes absent-mindedly stepped on a bug while walking. The only trouble is, it wasn't a bug.

"Crivens! Get offa me, ye bigjob!" She lifted up her foot to stare at the face of a little blue man. Well, man would be overrated. It looked like the second cousin of a fairy who was horribly deformed at birth. Oh, and it was blue. Perdita was revolted. Agnes had never seen anything like it.

"Bigjob?" she said, frowning at the blue man. "Who do you think you-well, what are you?"

"I'm a Feegle! A pictsie! A wee free man!" it yelled, kicking at Agnes's shoe. She moved it, looking at the feegle.

"Feegle?" She suddenly remembered something Granny Weatherwax had said. "Oh! Aren't you some type of fairy...erm, Feegle?"

"M'name's Rob Anybody!" it screamed.

"Well that's not nice!" Agnes huffed. "I wouldn't want to be robbed!"

"It's me na...never mind. Have ye seen Tiffany?"

"Aching?"

"Aye."

Agnes pointed to the left. Rob Anybody immediately ran to the left. Perdita was curious as to what he was doing with a young girl like Tiffany. Agnes just thought he was running awfully fast.

Authors Note: I know it's short. And I know the title sucks. Please don't shoot me.


	4. Truth or Fiction?

"William!" Sacharissa yelled, running up to him. He turned around. She was flustered, and out of breath. Loose strands of hair worked its way out of a bun on the top of her head. "You have to see this!"

"Is it another...humorous vegetable?" William asked, nervously. He had just about enough of those, and he knew Sachrissa had enough also. And yet, they kept turning up. 'Please say no...' he thought.

"Thank heavens, no." She thrust a few sheets of paper in his face. "Altogether Andrews gave this to me. Apparently, Lady Hermione wants this to be printed in the Times." Sacharissa's face was as red as a tomato1. William assumed she was out of breath.

"Is it any good?" He asked, eyeing the paper. While he trusted Lady Hermione, Altogether Andrews as a whole was...off.

"I read it myself," she said, biting her lip. "Look...just read it!" She shoved it into his hands. Quickly, William read it. The room was silent as all the dwarves stopped talking, and started to watch William. A cry of 'ohdamndamndamn' came from the cellar.

William raised an eyebrow. "Why is Otto in this story? And why is he taking pictures?"

"Just...read it." Sacharissa muttered. "Read it in its entirety." A slightly disoriented Otto appeared from the cellar.

"I vas vorking on the flash on the camera..." he started, but trailed off as ten dwarves loudly shushed him. An awkward silence ensured. "Well, there's a gay baby being born," a dwarf muttered.

"Pardon?" William said, putting the papers down for a second. "A gay baby?"

"It was something I heard in a pub..." the dwarf muttered. "Every time there's an awkward silence, a gay baby's being born."

"Charming," William said, revolted. He turned his attention back to the paper. Now it was his face turning tomato red. He saw why Sacharissa was out of breath now. This was just...too strange. "What did Lady Hermione say this was?"

"Fanfiction. It's like...a fan writes fiction about us. Odd, I know." she said, smiling wearily.

"And she thought me and you...would do this?" A look of revolution was on his face. He wanted to yell out 'EEW!' but common sense, about ten dwarves, and Otto prevented him from doing this. He looked in Sacharissa's face and for a second, their eyes met.

"May I read it?" Otto asked, reading for the paper.

"No!" William and Sacharissa exclaimed at the same time. William promptly tore up the paper. "Sacharissa..." William muttered. "Erm...can I talk to you? Outside, perhaps?" Sacharissa looked like there was nothing in the world she would rather do. As the two walked outside, William heaved a sigh of relief.

"Is it about...the story?" Sacharissa asked, frowning.

"Yes," William muttered, breathing heavily. "All I want to say...is that I will never do that." Sacharissa breathed a sigh of relief. The red in her face, slowly left. "Although," William said, smiling coyly, "if you want to do it, you know where the cheese is. And I'm pretty sure I can get some aspen wood."

The words of dislike and discomfort at the story, burst forth from Sacharissa like shrapnel from a firecracker that just exploded. One got the feeling, she would smack him sooner or later for this2. "William!" she yelled, revolted.

1. Assuming of course, the tomato's ripe. And not one of those nasty green tomatoes that the produce people try to sell you.

2. She did


	5. Susan to Death

Dear Grandfather,

The Death of Rats came to my house today. He was violently squeaking until the raven was able to translate. It seems that you are taking over the job of the Sandman. I don't want to know what scrap he's in or why you're taking over his job. Do you remember the Hogfather incident? I do not want to go through that again. And no offense, but can we get a different being? When the little children are about to go to sleep, they would practically piss themselves when they see you, pardon my Klatchian. Death isn't exactly a nice sight in the middle of the night.

I hope that Binky's doing well. Send Albert my regards.

Your granddaughter,

Susan Sto Helit


End file.
